In my younger days, I'm not sure if I would have been comforted with the fact the 23% of my peers were struggling with depression like I was. I would never wish that on anybody. In a sense, misery loves company. Much of the world would like us to believe (it would seem) that our body is simply comprised of cells coupled with hormones and chemicals. Our emotions are complex electrical charges and,when given enough time, we may even be able to create emotions on demand.
I'm not much of a futuristic thinker, nor am I a psycho analyst or psycho chemist. What I do know is, people are complicated, and I guess that makes me a closed minded thinker; But please, hear me out. Being a person who personally struggled, and still daily, to keep at bay my bouts of depression, let me express myself in a way that I hope doesn't sound offensively persuasive or utterly dull.
Looking back at the steps I came from, I really want to pay it forward and hope that some of you readies that are struggling with what I have/am can glean from my experiences and empower you to find your own solutions to the demons in your heart. I won't share my entire story with you, but I wonder if you can relate to my thoughts and anxieties through my words.
I am a people please, and I always have been. I am fiercely loyal to my friends, and as a result, I have very few close friends. I struggled with depression and anxiety through High School. I had phases of unexpected sadness,was sharply sarcastic at unpredictable moments of the day. Sometimes I would get depressed if someone tried to reach out to me. I would then get depressed that no one tries to reach out to me. Afterwards I would get depressed because just those two thoughts created a frustrating conundrum that I often just wanted to sleep off, put off, and see if it reoccurs the next day (which generally it does). I was not the kid who was easy to pick on. I wasn't the kid with the disastrous family, nor was I the kid that made a scene of everything because I was being rebellious. In fact, I was a well to do child, fairly well liked by the circles I chose to attend, smiled when I was prompted to (or felt prompted to). Had two parents who loved me dearly, and did moderately well in school to deserve accolades even.
I'd say "Unexpected right?", but my guess is that most of you readies know exactly what I'm talking about. Is something wrong with me? Probably. Friends that I felt open enough to show my true being of self deprecation and loathing often suggested counseling or even Prozac. Neither of which I really felt like pursuing. Depression has a way of telling you that you're not worth the effort to take yourself to counseling or worth the money for Prozac.
A few years later, a friend of mine said I probably had a chemical imbalance because I could not explain these fits of depression outside of a suppressed, but very distant childhood. While I appreciated his concern, I think it's obvious that I had a chemical imbalance. There is probably something in my brain that is restricting endorphins or dopamine which results in depression. For the record, (again read above for my credentials-I have none) I don't think adding anti-depressants to yours system will solve anything, It's like putting a tourniquet on a bruise. You're doing it wrong. You stop the depressed thoughts for a while, but your masking the symptoms of what really is the issue.
So what is the issue? It's hard to say seeing as 23% (and rising) of American children are diagnosed with depression every year, I'm sure each person has a different issue they are struggling with. Let me give you three things that I think most people struggle with.
1.) Meaningful work
2.) Meaningful companionship
3.) Meaningful purpose
Work
Our work defines us. It tells us who we are, what our priorities should be, and gives us meaning in life. Nothing feels quite as accomplishing as bringing home a paycheck so that you can pay for stuff. These are the stuff you need, stuff you want, stuff your family needs, you get the point... Depression is on the rise in this down economy with the anxiety that some of our older work force are losing their jobs to younger, more overqualified replacements. It's hard to find meaning in work, when it seems like no matter how hard you try, you're always wondering if you'll be bringing home bad news every morning you leave for work. Not exactly meaningful.
When I worked at Lifeway, I was a mess. I focused more on school and I was doing pathetic work in both avenues, I was reminded that I was representing God at work when my dear store manager told me that Lifeway was a not-for-profit company, and that after all expenses are met, additional profits go to charities around the world. It changed my perspective. No longer was I selling cheap...overpriced...eye gouging christian products...I was making a difference in the world. I gently but firmly dealt with angry customers and it wouldn't make me sad. I was doing something I enjoyed, and almost didn't care if I was getting paid...
When you're working, if you have a stable job, you should set a goal. Put your money into savings so you can buy a house one day,or buy a nice car one day, even save up for your kids future college tuition (even if you don't have kids). If you're not doing charity work, set some goals. That way you won't feel like killing yourself because you have goals to meet...
Companionship
Our friends (and family) define us. Having friends that you can share with exclusively, rely on exclusively, and trust exclusively is important for us to find meaning in our lives. Facebook friends are not exclusive.... Friends and family (F&F... no profanity >.>) who affirm our existence and appreciate our presence really empower us to live life to the fullest. F&F that build us up and don't tear us down are invaluable and should be held onto. Likewise, if you devalue the meaning of friendship, you lose out on the companionship that two people have with each other. Be careful who you pick to be your friends, and be proud of the friends that you've chosen. Give and you (should) receive.
Purpose
Last but certainly not least, our lives define us. If you feel like both the top two criteria are met, perhaps you are lacking a meaningful purpose in life. If you don't feel like your life has purpose: that we all just live and then die, then why bother even getting up? Why bother spending time with people? Why bother going to work? If nothing I do matters, then why do it? In this culture we are what we create, and so if you can't be the one to create that magnificent work of art of the decade, or compose that beautiful piece of music century, or write that moving piece of literature of all time, then to much of this world, you are not good for much. Purpose therefore, if rarely found in oneself, must be found in living for someone else. I think that people are naturally inclined to desire living for something that transcends themselves. Leaving a legacy for their children, their loved ones, their generation. Living for a person, a God, brings purpose to one's life. Thereby leading me to conclude that charity is the best thing you can do for yourself...in the midst of depression.
I want you to think of a few things today if you are one of my readies that find yourself resonating wit this post.
Smile frequently - It's not faking, especially if you find reasons daily to smile. Smiling often directly associates with happiness [arguably the opposite of depression], laughter works very similar to smiling. but small steps are nice. Smiling is also contagious. When you lift people up with a smile, you foster an atmosphere of uplifting. People are attracted to that.
Take those who smile at you to heart - While laughter can be great and all. It sometimes can be directed AT you which is not at all....joyful. Smiling is difficult when you are angry, unless you are Scar from Lion King. When someone smiles at you genuinely, log it in your soul. They didn't have to smile at you...but they did. I'm serious...pay attention when people smile at you.
Let go of the sarcasm - sarcastic remarks are cold and impersonal. It is cheap humor that puts people down rather than builds people up. Sarcasm [like smiling] is contagious. When you put people down, you foster an atmosphere of...down-putting. If you have nothing to say, TRY not to say anything at all.
Make compliments a natural response - Many of us have developed a natural response to sarcasm. It's automatic in our brains, we jump without thinking at any opportunity to make a witty sarcastic remark. By allowing kind words instead of sharp words to be the only things coming out of your mouth, you will feel the extra jump in your step.
Lastly, Say thank you often - In fact, seek out opportunities to say "Thank You" to somebody. If you are even in a good mood. Tell them why you are thankful. "Thank you for bagging my groceries" "Thank you for the water." Actively, verbally expressing gratitude reinforces and reminds us that our lives are made better by the people around us.
I don't want to sound preachy. However; if you think these are good points to bring up, they are not my ideas. I didn't get them out of a self help book, or a psychology book. I got these ideas out of the bible. Yes, each of the points listed have a tendency to come up multiple times in the good old book. For the sake of not over extended this post, I really pray that you'll take my word for it for now. If you have any questions regarding this, I would love to dialog with you about it.
Comments :] I'd love to hear them! What kind of advice do you have? Let me know how you feel.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Longevity & Monogamy
It's interesting that I would start to write about monogamy right after I came back from the ASD/AMD expo in Vegas. Actually, interesting maybe not...I guess it's no surprise since I am a one woman man.
One thing I do want know is that with my days counting down [in a good way wifey dear], I am wondering, curious even, what other people think about when getting married. I look at vow templates and think, "Wow, this is pretty intense." Do people know what they are getting themselves into? Many of us say "To death to us part." Which, if I may be so blunt and straight forward about it means, not abandoning your wife or husband, unless of coarse, you are dead.
Furthermore, I have enough faith in you, my readies, and even for the still very general population of our country, that people don't walk into a marriage and think, "I can't wait to have an affair" "I can't wait to cheat on him." So my question is, why do people do it?
The most common reason for filing a divorce is "Irretrievable breakdown of the marriage" Which translate as a no-fault divorce. [irreconcilable differences] While much of the reason why this is often used for filing divorce is that it's much much easier to file than say...a divorce filed on the grounds of adultery or abuse, it's unfortunate that irreconcilable differences is the reason people don't love each other in this day and age.
Perhaps it is a shocker to us that we marry completely different people from the people we fell in love with and that is the reason we come across irreconcilable differences, but when we really look at core issues of failing marriages outside of adultery, abuse, and addiction, I wonder what we'd find. To me, being an admitting naive idealist, seeing actual examples of irreconcilable differences would probably be baffling, and perhaps even ridiculous.
One thing that I do admit however; is the dynamic of that which is in marriage, and that which is in the dating realm. I've recently been experiencing this with my lovely bride-to-be of seven years. I was reminiscing the past and how I use to write love letters and poems for my dear wife [to be] Taking her out to dinner was the highlight of my weeks, and we could talk on the phone for hours and hours ...and hours...and hours. Somewhere though, down the road, I lost that sense of romancing my wife [to be] and I guess, she kind of settled into it as well. Our purpose for our relationship subtly changed from expressing love to each other, to tolerating each other each day, to just getting by together.
What I'm really contemplating, is that in marriage, I anticipate lots of "get-things-done" times. At first we'll try to accomplish things together, because we're a couple, a team. Then after a while one of us will make a small mistake, a big mistake maybe. Then we both will agree that we should just do things separately and occasionally together, until the only things we do together are raise children, eat dinner [maybe] and sex [maybe]. You may deny it and say that this little paragraph doesn't describe you or anyone you know, but the sad fact is, I see this all the time in many marriages slowly falling apart.
In a marriage, I think that too often we get caught up in all the bills to pay, all the parties we are obligated to appear to, all the careers we're trying to pursue, that we lost the pursuit of each other. The real reason we fell in love with that person and stayed in love with that person isn't because we payed the bills, or took the children to school, or did a to-do list or whatever, it was because we went out to the park to have a picnic [that we prepared for for 4 hours but didn't mind] or had a beautiful conversation next to the fountain down at the park, or watched a movie with, or had dinner with. That's why we fell in love with them.
I'm not saying that you can't get things done together, or that paying bills or taking care of kids is a bad thing. But often times, it's the little things that we settle into that will poison us to death. People are constantly changing all the time, we all do. But if you stop getting to know your spouse, you'll end up just living with a stranger. [Maybe it's room mate syndrome Boy do I know what that feels like.]
Irreconcilable differences will sneak up on you if you let it. When you tell yourself you married someone completely different from the person you dated, think first to yourself that you actually took some time to get to know the person you dated. Have you taken time recently to know the person you married?
Spend some time this week and act like your wife is your girlfriend. [remember Monogamy is still in affect] And do something nice for her.
After all this, I still know that there are a lot of things ahead that I'm not aware of in marriage, and again maybe it's the idealist in me speaking of the silliness of reality. So I do want to know. Maybe this blog will reach some of you guys in the midst of marriage. How are you holding up? I'd really like to know , those of you who have been married for 10 years, 20 years, 50 years even. How do you keep up the hot monogamy? How do you fall in love with your wife every single day you wake up in the morning? Leave tips and comments for me below :] Thanks for reading, readies.
One thing I do want know is that with my days counting down [in a good way wifey dear], I am wondering, curious even, what other people think about when getting married. I look at vow templates and think, "Wow, this is pretty intense." Do people know what they are getting themselves into? Many of us say "To death to us part." Which, if I may be so blunt and straight forward about it means, not abandoning your wife or husband, unless of coarse, you are dead.
Furthermore, I have enough faith in you, my readies, and even for the still very general population of our country, that people don't walk into a marriage and think, "I can't wait to have an affair" "I can't wait to cheat on him." So my question is, why do people do it?
The most common reason for filing a divorce is "Irretrievable breakdown of the marriage" Which translate as a no-fault divorce. [irreconcilable differences] While much of the reason why this is often used for filing divorce is that it's much much easier to file than say...a divorce filed on the grounds of adultery or abuse, it's unfortunate that irreconcilable differences is the reason people don't love each other in this day and age.
Perhaps it is a shocker to us that we marry completely different people from the people we fell in love with and that is the reason we come across irreconcilable differences, but when we really look at core issues of failing marriages outside of adultery, abuse, and addiction, I wonder what we'd find. To me, being an admitting naive idealist, seeing actual examples of irreconcilable differences would probably be baffling, and perhaps even ridiculous.
One thing that I do admit however; is the dynamic of that which is in marriage, and that which is in the dating realm. I've recently been experiencing this with my lovely bride-to-be of seven years. I was reminiscing the past and how I use to write love letters and poems for my dear wife [to be] Taking her out to dinner was the highlight of my weeks, and we could talk on the phone for hours and hours ...and hours...and hours. Somewhere though, down the road, I lost that sense of romancing my wife [to be] and I guess, she kind of settled into it as well. Our purpose for our relationship subtly changed from expressing love to each other, to tolerating each other each day, to just getting by together.
What I'm really contemplating, is that in marriage, I anticipate lots of "get-things-done" times. At first we'll try to accomplish things together, because we're a couple, a team. Then after a while one of us will make a small mistake, a big mistake maybe. Then we both will agree that we should just do things separately and occasionally together, until the only things we do together are raise children, eat dinner [maybe] and sex [maybe]. You may deny it and say that this little paragraph doesn't describe you or anyone you know, but the sad fact is, I see this all the time in many marriages slowly falling apart.
In a marriage, I think that too often we get caught up in all the bills to pay, all the parties we are obligated to appear to, all the careers we're trying to pursue, that we lost the pursuit of each other. The real reason we fell in love with that person and stayed in love with that person isn't because we payed the bills, or took the children to school, or did a to-do list or whatever, it was because we went out to the park to have a picnic [that we prepared for for 4 hours but didn't mind] or had a beautiful conversation next to the fountain down at the park, or watched a movie with, or had dinner with. That's why we fell in love with them.
I'm not saying that you can't get things done together, or that paying bills or taking care of kids is a bad thing. But often times, it's the little things that we settle into that will poison us to death. People are constantly changing all the time, we all do. But if you stop getting to know your spouse, you'll end up just living with a stranger. [Maybe it's room mate syndrome Boy do I know what that feels like.]
Irreconcilable differences will sneak up on you if you let it. When you tell yourself you married someone completely different from the person you dated, think first to yourself that you actually took some time to get to know the person you dated. Have you taken time recently to know the person you married?
Spend some time this week and act like your wife is your girlfriend. [remember Monogamy is still in affect] And do something nice for her.
After all this, I still know that there are a lot of things ahead that I'm not aware of in marriage, and again maybe it's the idealist in me speaking of the silliness of reality. So I do want to know. Maybe this blog will reach some of you guys in the midst of marriage. How are you holding up? I'd really like to know , those of you who have been married for 10 years, 20 years, 50 years even. How do you keep up the hot monogamy? How do you fall in love with your wife every single day you wake up in the morning? Leave tips and comments for me below :] Thanks for reading, readies.
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